


Two Is Not The Same

by goddess_julie



Series: Triple Fun That Way [4]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, F/M, Genderswap, Multi, No Smut, girl!Niall, girl!Zayn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-23
Updated: 2015-03-23
Packaged: 2018-03-19 04:30:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3596412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goddess_julie/pseuds/goddess_julie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For all of the times that she's fallen, that she's taken a dive off of an exercise machine or skidded across the stage because some trick that she and one of the lads had thought would look sick for the fans, that physical pain has come nowhere near how much this pain she’s feeling hurts.  Right here and now.</p>
<p>Or Niall and Liam are moving on and it seems that they're doing it without Zayn.  She's always expected it to end like this, but it doesn't make it any easier.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Two Is Not The Same

**Author's Note:**

> I might have been crying when writing this. I love this fic. So much that I've put it into an official verse/series. I wanted a fic where Zayn is uncertain of her place, insecure (because insecure Zayn is so delicious especially when Liam and Niall are there to put her back together) and shown just how important she is to those are most important to her.
> 
> Any/all feedback is welcome! <3

For all of the times that she's fallen, that she's taken a dive off of an exercise machine or skidded across the stage because some trick that she and one of the lads had thought would look sick for the fans, that physical pain has come nowhere near how much this pain she’s feeling hurts. Right here and now.

Zayn had gotten back from the gym and immediately went for a shower. Earlier she had discussed dinner with Niall and they'd made tentative plans to grab something to eat before heading over to the arena for tonight’s show. The best thing about doing multiple shows in the same city was not being as tied to the venue for sound checks and the like after the first day. It is half three and she knows the car will be picking them up at six to take them over. Once she's freshly showered and dressed in something comfortable, Zayn grabs her things and heads down to Niall's room.

It's not until she's been knocking for about ten minutes that Louis steps off of the elevator. His eyebrow cocks when he sees Zayn at Niall's door. "What are you doing?"

"Looking for Nialler," Zayn smiles. "We were supposed to get something to eat before we head over but she’s probably fallen asleep or something." Zayn's lips twitch at the way Louis frowns at her in confusion. 

"She's not here. She and Payno left about an hour ago. Were gonna do some stuff. Told me they'd catch us at the show."

Zayn hates the way her stomach falls. She looks down at her shoes to avoid having to look at Louis and shrugs. "Oh, she probably forgot then."

"You want to grab a bite with me? Lottie and El are up for a few days and we're just gonna grab something fast before we head over."

With an apologetic smile, Zayn shakes her head. "Nah. Thanks though, but I think I'll just take a nap before I head over. Get something there." She heads down to her room and does exactly what she’s told Louis she is going to. Zayn figures that if she has a nap, this feeling of awkwardness will be gone when she wakes up. Thankfully, any nervousness she expects to feel when they are all together backstage in their dressing rooms is for naught as Niall greets her with a smile and a hug and Liam presses a kiss to her temple.

As much as Zayn wants to ask why Niall blew her off, she doesn't speak up. It's not like she hasn't forgotten plans before and considering they both look genuinely happy to see her, Zayn shakes off any residual offence and puts it behind her. It’s not intentional and everything is fine. No matter what her inner voices are telling her and how her stomach is churning with a sickness she just wants to ignore.

Slowly after that day, Zayn begins to notice a shift in their dynamics. As far as she can think, it had started with that day and continues with missed calls, unread texts and escalates to plans being made that intentionally exclude her. As much as she wants to ignore the signs, she’s finding it increasingly hard to justify it. Both to her head and her heart.

There is a break in the tour and they've all flown back to the UK to spend some time at home. Zayn is bored and she wants to do something but doesn't know what. She first tries Liam's phone, disappointed when it goes straight to voicemail. It’s been doing that a lot lately and Zayn frowns as he instructs her to leave a message.

"Hey Leeyum, give me a call. Bored and want to do something. Lets hang out."

Next she tries Niall. It rings a few times and just when she expects the blonde's voice mail to kick in as well Zayn hears Niall pick up. 

"Hello?"

"Nialler, what's up?"

Wherever Niall is sounds loud and Zayn struggles to hear her. "Zee? Hey, how are you?"

"Bored. What are you doing?"

"I can't hear you," Niall says with a laugh. She starts to talk to someone on her end and Zayn feels a familiar prick of jealousy when she faintly hears Liam's voice through Niall's phone. "It's Zee but I can't hear here. I'll be back." Niall says to him, giggling as something is said in response. Zayn unsuccessfully tries to swallow down the ugly lump of jealousy that has settled in her throat.

Moments later, Niall has gone somewhere quieter and is chuckling at something. "Sorry Zee, couldn't hear you. What's up?"

"I was bored and wanted to do something. What are you up to?" Zayn tries to keep that jealousy out of her voice as she wills her stomach to stop churning sickly. She won't jump to conclusions before the blonde is given a chance to explain why they'd gotten together and not invited her.

"Leemo and I are at Funky Buddha. It's a right blast up in here."

"And you didn't call me?"

Niall's laughter grates on Zayn's already frayed nerves. "Nah. Know you hate this place so didn't want to bug you. Figured you'd say no anyways so..." When Zayn doesn't respond she hears Niall falter. "But ...if you want... you should come down..."

Zayn forces out what she hopes is a light laugh. "God, you're right, I hate that place. Glad I wasn't invited. Have fun with Leeyum okay?"

"Zee?" Niall asks. Zayn can hear the worry in her voice and she doesn't give her a chance to continue. “Wait, is everything…”

"Gotta go, kay babe? Talk soon."

"Zee, don't do that. Are you oka...?”

Zayn doesn't hear the rest of Niall's sentence. She's hung up the phone and is furiously scrolling through her list of contacts to find someone that will be up to do something without any questions. She stops on an entry labelled as Pezza and dials.

"Babe. Need a distraction. NOW. Let's get fucked. Please tell me you're in town."

Zayn is grinning as a long-time friend of hers Perrie hoots on the other end of the line. She promises that within the hour she’ll swing by with the rest of her girls to pick her up. Zayn vows to forget all about how her heart is shattering into a million pieces and can't even talk about it with either of her best friends.

~*~*~

It's not like she hadn't expected things to turn out like this. She'd known from the beginning of this that eventually Liam and Niall would probably realize just how perfect they are for each other and that they wouldn't have a need for her any longer. Somewhere deep inside she's happy for them. If anyone was going to be good enough for Liam it would be Niall, and the same is true for the blonde. The only bloke that Zayn would ever want Niall to be with is Liam. But that it is happening at the cost of her heart is something she is having difficulty dealing with.

In front of them she is forced smiles and supportive words. The last thing she is ever going to do is let them know they’re destroying her. Especially when they seem as happy as they’ve ever been. When Niall blows off plans with her, Zayn always promises it is fine and they can do something another time. She has never once questioned why Niall is too tired to spend time with her but always has time and energy for Liam. With each broken date, each disappointment, Zayn finds herself calling Perrie and doing her best to distract herself. It isn't romantic. Hell, not even sexual, but there was just something in her friendship Perrie that Zayn understands, and no one in Zayn's life at the moment seems to understand what she is going through as much as Perrie does.

There is a point where Zayn is talking to Perrie and the girls of Little Mix more than her two best friends. It hasn’t gone unnoticed by Louis and Harry, but after one particular night where Louis brought it up, he saw the defeated expression in her eyes, the hard set of her lips and agreed to stay out of it for everyone’s benefit. She is dealing with things as best as she can and if she can handle what is going on, Louis should have no problem with it.   
Yet again Zayn is skyping with Perrie who is clear across the world and getting ready for a music video shoot. It’s been a short conversation, but Zayn was thankful that her friend had taken the time to talk to her. "Go," Zayn listens to Perrie tell her with a chuckle. "You're meeting Liam in ten minutes and you're still here gabbing with me."

Zayn takes one last look at herself in the mirror and smiles. Liam had texted her earlier, asking if she was free. He mentioned that they hadn't spent much time together lately and he wanted to have a night with just them. She'd put on a pair of black skinny jeans with the knees ripped out and an old tee shirt that she'd ripped the sleeves off of to make into a vest. Her hair was pulled back into a messy bun and she was wearing her glasses. They'd agreed to go out and get a few drinks over dinner at some pub that someone at the hotel had recommended. Once she'd said goodbye to Perrie she headed out of her hotel room and walked the few blocks to the restaurant.

Seeing Liam and Niall sitting together at the table laughing at something is not what Zayn expected when she arrives. Cautiously, Zayn approaches the table and interrupts whatever they're talking about. The way they both stop laughing immediately and look at her blankly has her on edge.

"Am I interrupting?" She asks in a short, clipped tone. Niall's eyebrows furrow and Liam shakes his head. 

"Hard to interrupt when I invited you."

Zayn knows they all can feel how uncomfortable things are between them. Neither has moved to let her into either side of the booth so she's standing at the table awkwardly. Finally, Niall realizes that Zayn is going to need a place to sit and she scrambles to make room, sitting as far in the booth as possible. Gingerly Zayn sits down, but all she wants to do is bolt towards the door.

"Thought it was just us," she says softly looking at Liam. She doesn't have a problem with Niall being there, she just wasn't expecting it. Zayn had been looking forward for a little time alone with Liam and hopefully talk about some of what had been going on with them. With Niall there, Zayn only felt as though she was intruding on their night together.

"Oi. M'I not wanted?" Niall's voice is lacking the teasing note that should accompany the words. Her eyes are sharp. “Should I leave?”

"That's not it," Zayn says without looking at the blonde. Her eyes are focused on her hands, where her fingers are tangled together nervously. "Just ...Leeyum said he wanted to spend time with me and I feel like I'm interrupting your date." She looks up and sees Liam and Niall exchanging some kind of look that is serving as conversation between them. They both have furrowed eyebrows and she sees Niall roll her eyes. Zayn takes a deep breath and in an effort to salvage the night, she shakes the uncomfortable vibe off of herself and she smiles. "So what were you two talking about?"

"Oh, just this movie we saw earlier," Niall says, giggling as she kicks at Liam under the table. For the first time since she’s joined them, Liam flashes a smile at Niall across the table.

Zayn's stomach sinks. She'd spent the majority of the day in her room, sleeping and watching TV, unsure of what plans everyone else had since no one had called her. To know that Liam and Niall had spent the day together, without her had her feeling jealous and self-conscious once again.

"You guys went to a movie?" She doesn’t even try to hide the hurt in her tone or the way her whole body sags.

Liam's eyes widen and he takes a long pull of his beer. "Yeah. It was a last minute thing. The Kingsman was playing and Niall thought it would be fun if we went to see it. So we kind of just went." 

Zayn can't stop the way her jaw drops and her face flushes a hot red. "You went to see that without me?" He'd known she had really wanted to see it, had been talking about it since she’d first heard about it. She and Liam always went to comic movies together and Zayn was completely crushed that they'd gone without her.

"I can go again," Liam scrambles to correct himself. He looks genuinely contrite for his confession but Zayn is beyond caring. She's too hurt, too upset to even care that he's making an attempt to make things better. "I'd love to see it again. Yeah, we’ll do that. We’ll go see it.”

"When are we going to have time Leeyum," Zayn says flatly. She wrings her hands on her lap before she makes the conscious decision to stand up. Niall is staring at her with an unreadable expression on her face and Liam looks guiltier than anything. 

"Where are you going?" Niall asks when Zayn is on her feet and sliding back into her sweater. "We haven't even ordered yet."

"I think I'm just going to go back to the hotel," Zayn says honestly. Her voice is thick from the amount of emotions she’s overwhelmed with. "I’m feeling poorly all of a sudden. Probably won't be good company anyways. You guys stay. Enjoy your night."

"Zee," Liam tries sadly. Zayn shakes her head. 

"S'okay Leeyum. Thanks for inviting me. I'm sorry I brought your night down. You two will have more fun without me here." She walks towards the door, head up and with a confidence she doesn't feel. Just as she gets to the door she looks back to see Liam and Niall talking. Niall's head is down and they're holding hands across the table. He’s saying something passionately and Niall is nodding.

It's as though they hadn't even cared that she'd left. The tears are falling before she's even pushed through the door. By the time she's walked back to the hotel, stopping only for some takeaway, she's stopped crying and is just exhausted. She makes it to the floor that her room is on and sees Louis heading through the hallways dressed up for a date she knows he has with Eleanor tonight. Her first instinct is to ignore him, but instead she calls out.

"Lou?" Zayn calls. Louis stops and turns at the sound of her voice. She watches as his grin slides into a concerned frown which she waves off. "You know, that day when Niall hurt her knee and you told me that he's in love with me and her? That he'd never choose?"

Louis swallows thickly as he nods. She can tell he wants to speak but doesn't know what to say. Instead, he listens.

Zayn gives a half shrug. "You were wrong. He's not in love with both of us. Don't think I ever stood a chance."

"Zee," Louis gasps. He looks torn between following her or continuing on to wherever he was headed. She flashes him a sad smile and waves her hand to stop him.

"I'm going to be fine babe," she assures him. "I just wanted you to know that you think you're always right. But sometimes, you're not even close. Finally I get to tell you I told you so.”

Zayn lets herself into her room and boots up her computer at the makeshift table. She smiles when she sees that Perrie is online and starts the skype call to connect them.

~*~*~*~

It's been a month of awkwardness. Zayn has spent her time alternating between mostly being alone and when they force her out of her room, caught up in whatever shenanigans Louis and Harry get themselves caught up with. Her relationship with Niall and Liam has been professional, polite at best but it's not as strained and awkward as she'd feared it would be.

Above all, they are friends. And co-workers and at no point are any of them going to let whatever is going on with them off stage, affect how things are onstage. Zayn spends a lot of her alone time either in the gym or working on art. She’s skyping Perrie whenever they're both free and she just needs someone to talk to about the overwhelming confusion and hurt she's trying not to let consume her.

She is relieved to know that in their breakup, if it could be called a breakup since they'd never been technically dating in the first place and nothing had been officially said that things were ending but they were definitely not as together as they'd been in months past, that Louis and Harry were not caught in the middle of it. Liam and Niall might still have each other, but whatever this is hasn't affected their friendships with the other two.

They have the day off and Louis had wanted to have a family day. Just the five of them, doing something together to reconnect and strengthen their friendships. It had been Zayn's turn to pick what they would do and she'd opted for them to hit up a few of the art galleries and showings that she'd found while online. 

The plan is to meet up in the lobby just after breakfast. Everyone has congregated in the lobby except Zayn, and while she's known to be fashionably late, all four of them admit that they haven't heard from her that morning at all to let them know when she'd be down.

It's Louis who calls up to her cell. After a short conversation, he frowns and wrinkles his forehead as he ends the call. "She says for us to just go ahead without her."

"Excuse me?" Liam asks. "She wants us to go ahead?"

Louis nods and shrugs. "Said not to wait."

"Is she running late?" Harry asks slowly. "Or not coming?" Louis exchanges a look with Harry that has Niall straightening her back.

"Said she's feeling poorly. Doesn't want to ruin the day with her being unwell so we can just go."

"That's shite," Niall says forcefully. "There is no way she's too sick to do this. It's all she's been able to talk about, coming here for these galleries. I don't believe you."

Louis shrugs. "Just telling you what she told me Ni," he says firmly.

"Lou?" Liam says softly. "That's all she said?" They engage in a stare down until finally Louis sighs.

"Cross my heart. She said she wasn't feeling well so we should all go without her. I didn't say I believed it, just that she said it."

"It's her day," Liam argues. "We all get to pick and today was her day to pick. She'd never miss that. "

Louis wipes his face with a tired hand. Finally, he makes a decision. "Maybe she just doesn't want to play third wheel to yours and Niall's date, mate." He doesn't flinch when Liam's face contorts to embarrassed anger. 

"The fuck's that supposed to mean?"

"Fuck you Louis," Niall agrees with a hiss.

"You two are joined at the fucking hip," Louis says firmly and without apology. It's a wonder how you'll even know she's not here with how you two have been lately. Doing things without her hasn't been a problem so far, why are you so upset about it today?"

Harry sees that Louis won't back down by the gleam in his eyes. He also sees how defensive Niall and Liam have suddenly gotten so he steps in between and tries to diffuse the situation. 

"Li? Nialler?” When Harry has their attention, he offers an apologetic smile. “I have to say, I agree with Lou on this one. I don't know what's going on with the three of you because Zee won't say a word about it. But it's pretty mean how you flaunt how happy you two are together in front of her when she obviously is still in love with the both of you." Harry takes their stunned looks as acceptance because he gives an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry, I get that you two have moved on, but it might not be that easy for her. You haven’t noticed that she’s barely out of her room lately? That she’s not our Zayn?"

Harry is too focused on Liam and Niall to see Louis waving his hands in the air, trying to get his attention. He's making cutting motions across his throat as though to shut Harry up and finally, their eyes meet and Harry's jaw drops as his eyes open wide.

Louis looks frantic while Liam and Niall look as though he's slapped them across the face. Harry gives an awkward smile as he takes a deep breath.

"Oh. So you're all still ...together then?"

Louis nods. Liam and Niall are still standing stock still. Neither will look at each other but they’re not meeting Harry or Louis’ gazes either.

"I'm..." Harry starts uncomfortably.

"I think I'm going to be sick..." Niall mumbles as she runs towards the elevators. Moments later it's just Louis, Harry and Liam standing together awkwardly. It's Liam that breaks the silence.

"Does she ....er, Zayn. Does she think that? That we ..." Liam takes a deep breath and runs his fingers roughly through his hair. "Fuck. FUCK!" he grunts as he walks off in the direction of the lobby doors.

"Li?" Harry calls out. Liam shakes his head.

"Need to be alone."

"Guess it's just you and me Hazza," Louis says gently. He pulls Harry in for a hug when he sees how upset the other lad looks.

"God, I shouldn't have said anything," Harry laments. "This is all my fault."

Louis' laugh startles him. "Someone needed to wake them the fuck up. Zee won't say anything, doesn't want to cause them trouble. Loves them both too much. And she’s' the one that is always taking care of things like that with them. I don't know how either of them hasn’t noticed how miserable she's been lately. How she barely eats, sleeps 18 hours a day. She's always taking care of them, it's time they take care of her. She deserves that much,"

 

~*~*~*~*~*~

Zayn opens her eyes and looks at the clock. It’s just after noon. As much as she wants to fall back asleep and lose herself in the sheets and comfort of a nap, she knows she needs to get up and start moving.

She's been spending too much time sleeping lately. Sleeping to forget everything that has her on edge and so fucking confused. Within minutes she's wearing a pair of trackies, a tank top and her running shoes and figures that she'll head down to the gym to take her mind of off things in a more productive way. The others are all out on their family day so she's confident she won't run into any of them or the million questions that they probably have for her. Perrie was right the night before when she said that Zayn needed to stop feeling sorry for herself and do something. Zayn decides that it’s time to follow her advice.

Seeing Niall on the rowing machine is the last sight Zayn expects as she enters the hotel gym. Their eyes meet and Zayn knows Niall can see the surprise in her expression. As much as Zayn wants to turn around and run, she doesn’t.

Niall slowly lets the bar go and slows her actions. "You're always telling me that when you are upset or need to burn off some nervous energy you love to come to the gym and work it out. I thought I'd give it a try."

Her voice is soft, gentle and unsure. Zayn gives a nod of understanding as she crosses the room to one of the treadmills. She wants nothing more than to reach out and pull the blonde into her arms and ease whatever is bothering her. Instead she takes a few calming breaths before starting the treadmill to a moderate pace.

"Thought you'd be gone with the lads. Family day." Zayn finally says. She looks at Niall, into her eyes before flicking her gaze to something on the wall next to her. She sees Niall shrug in her peripheral vision.

"No point. You weren't there. Art and galleries are your thing. That's something you wanted to do so I wanted to do it too. If you aren't there, no point in me going."

Zayn's scoff gets Niall's attention. Now they're staring directly at each other. "You don't need me anymore Nialler. Long past that now. You've got Leeyum, he's got you. I'm redundant. So you didn't go to the gallery. Could have gone anywhere you wanted. Don't need me for that." She's surprised to see all of the fight drain from Niall's body and her head hang sadly.

"What's happening Zee?" Niall asks softly. "Why do you fight so hard for me? For Li? You fight so hard for the two of us but you don't fight for you." Niall licks her lips and wipes her forehead with a trembling hand before she continues. "How can you even think that you're not the most important person in my life? In Liam's?"

A spike of anger flows through Zayn's chest from deep in her stomach. "How easy has it been to move on? Neither of you have even missed me, neither of you even care. You two have been so fucking happy lately without me. Movies. Dinner. Plans made and excuses why I'm not invited. Oh, we figured you needed sleep Zee, that's why we didn't call. We know you hate Funky Buddah so we went without you. We don't want you to be bored so we're going to make the choice for you to cut you out of our lives."

The guilt is written all over Niall's face and Zayn nods in victory. 

"See? You know exactly what I'm talking about. But it's okay because it's not you being left out. It's me. It never matters when it's me because I don't matter. Not to either of you." Zayn wipes at the tears in her eyes. "You don't even fucking care how hard it's been for me because you've got Leeyum and that's what matters."

"That's not true," Niall answers strongly. "Yes I like having time with Liam alone. Just us two. But I like having time alone with you."

"When do we ever have time alone anymore? You blow me off. Can't even remember the last time we were together before now. You could have at least had the balls to tell me that you don't need me anymore. That neither of you want me, instead of cutting me out little by little."

Zayn watches as Niall opens her mouth a few times, as though she’s about to say something but can’t find the words. There is no refuting what Zayn has said, it’s the truth and they both know it. She’s curious as to how she’s going to rationalize it though, and that’s what has her rooted to her spot. Waiting.

"He won't say it," Niall finally says softly, voice so low that Zayn can barely hear her. "Leemo's too fucking nice, but he misses you. So much. I can just imagine what you’re thinking about us, about what happens when you’re not there, but he has barely even snogged me in the past few weeks. And when he does its short and he cuts me off. Tells me that he's sorry because all he can do is think of you. And I can't even be fucking mad at him for it because I feel the same way."

"Bullshit." Zayn hisses. “I don’t fucking believe you.”

"We're a mess without you" Niall pleads. She’s crying too now and trembling where she’s still sitting on the rowing machine. "But we can't fucking tell you because we don't want to hold you back. We don't want you to be stuck with us when there are people out there you'd rather be with."

"Who?" Zayn shrieks. Who would I possibly want to be with that isn't either of you."

"Perrie."

"Pezza?" Zayn says. "Perrie Edwards, that Perrie?" Niall's hiss tells Zayn everything she needs to know.

"It’s always Pezza this and Perrie that. Even when we were in the X-Factor house you two were so close. You’re always talking to her, begging off stuff to go back to your room and talk to her. Don’t need either of us when you’ve got Perrie waiting for you."

"I'm fucking in love with you Niall Horan," Zayn cries. "You and Liam. Not Perrie not anyone else. You and Liam who have cut me out of your lives and ..." Tears are streaming down her face and she's trembling violently. The treadmill has long since stopped and she's stepped off of it and holding onto the bars for support. “I talk to Perrie because she’ll listen to me blab on to her for ages. About how much I miss you both. About how I don’t know what I did to make you both not want me anymore. I talk to her because I can’t talk to Lou or Haz because I don’t want to put them in the middle. I talk to her because you and Liam are too busy talking to each other and avoiding me. I talk to her because she likes having me around which is more than you and Leeyum lately.”

Niall stands up on shaking legs and walks across the room to where Zayn is leaning up against the machine, still crying. Zayn wants to walk away, wants to leave Niall standing where she is like they’ve left her but she can’t. She still loves her too much to not see this through.

"I’ve missed you so much Zee. Been stealing your clothes," Niall admits with an embarrassed smile. “Wanted to be close to you and that was the only way I could. I've been so miserable without you. Please don't leave me. Us!"

Zayn clutches onto Niall's shoulders and buries her face in the blonde's throat. "Thought you didn't want me anymore. That you didn't need me and would be better off without me." She hiccups and lets Niall stroke her back comfortingly. "Been so fucking scared. You’ guys just cut me off, little by little and…"

NIall's face is a mask of shock. "You're scared? You're not scared of anything. You're so fearless, so confident and so fucking lovely and brilliant that you... god... What do you even need me for? You had Leemo. You still have him. And…"

Rolling her eyes, Zayn lets out a watery chuckle. "Me? Fearless. The girl who goes to bed every night and prays that you won't forget me. That Leeyum won't get bored of me and mostly I pray that you two don't get married and tell me to fuck off."

Zayn startles at the way Niall's breath ghosts over her skin. "I pray the same thing at night." She presses a gentle kiss to the corner of Zayn's mouth as they tangle their fingers together at their sides.

"I'm so sorry babe," Zayn whispers softly. "I'm sorry I'm such a fucking mess."

"NO!" Niall exclaims loudly and forcefully. "God this isn't you. This is me and Leemo and us not even realizing. You're everything for us. TO US. Without you we don't work."

"You've been doing fine..." Zayn argues.

"No, we've not. It's not the same without you. Us not having you with us. Not having you in bed at night. Liam and I haven’t even really been sharing a room lately. Can’t remember the last night we slept in the same bed. We don't work without you, and if it seems like it has, then we are great actors because we've been a right mess without you Zayn Malik."

"Yeah?" Zayn asks completely shocked. This is all news to her, especially that Liam and Niall not only haven’t been sharing a bed, but they’ve not been sexually active in the past month. For the first time since everything started, Zayn thinks she understands just what they’ve all been dealing with. She also realizes that she needs to hear this. She needs to know exactly what she means to this woman and how important she is. After feeling so insignificant over the past few months, knowing there is still a place in their lives for her.

"God, I need Payno for this," Niall whimpers. 

Zayn nods and calls Louis. "Where's Leeyum?"

"Don't know," Louis responds. "After this morning, he took off on his own and hasn’t seen him since. Haven’t even heard from him. Just been Hazza and me."

Zayn hangs up and dials Liam's. She gets his voice mail and hangs up. "Maybe you should call him, he's probably mad at me and screening his calls."

Niall rolls her eyes and tries. She too gets his voice mail. Once she's left him a message to come back to her room as soon as he gets the message, they agree that they should take this to a much more private location.

Up in Niall's room, they curl up on Niall's bed watching random shows on the telly while talking more. They spend the time talking about everything that has been bothering them, their insecurities and fears. Zayn is surprised to hear a lot of the things that worries Niall and on the other hand, Zayn is completely honest about how excluded she's felt the past while and why. It's how they would have talked before they'd all gotten together and Zayn feels a piece of her fall into place that had been sitting awkwardly for so long.

"Zee, you need to tell me these things," Niall says softly, speaking directly into Zayn's ear. They're curled up in the middle of the bed, Niall wrapped up around Zayn like she's afraid that she'll change her mind. That she'll get up and walk out of the room and out of her life forever. "You're the last person I would ever expect to worry about not being loved, not being wanted. And when you’re hurt, I just think you’re angry with me. That you resent me or don’t want me in yours or Liam’s lives."

"I know how difficult I can be. I like to be alone, I'm moody..."

"Fuck that," Niall hisses as she rolls over so that she's lying on top of Zayn. She pins her down and kisses her passionately until they're both boneless against the bed. "I fucking love you," she continues as she pulls away breathless. "Always. No matter what. I just need to know what’s wrong. You have to let us fix it instead of hiding it and holding it in."

It’s Zayn’s default, to repress anything that is bothering her. She’s aware of this and knows it’s something she needs to work on. Rather than speak up and seem weak or insecure, she pretends she isn’t affected by it and more often than not, it seems to make things worse. 

Zayn opens her mouth to respond when they hear rustling outside of the door. There is a series of beeps that Zayn recognizes as someone trying to get through the door but not swiping properly.

"Fuck." 

Zayn and Niall cackle at the sound of Liam's frustrated voice. 'Oh Leemo."

Moments later the door beeps and they hear Liam's cheer of victory. "Fucking door, I win." Zayn curls up on herself as much as she can with Niall trying to stop her from doing so.

"S'gonna be okay babe." Niall refuses to let Zayn shy away from them any longer.

Zayn shakes her head and takes a few deep, calming breaths.

"Nialler," Liam calls from the other room. Niall gets up and rushes into the main area of the room. The bed is not visible from there and Liam obviously doesn't know Zayn is there.

"I love you Niall. I love you so much."

"Li..." Niall starts. Liam won't be deterred.

"But not at the cost of Zee's heart. Or mine. Or yours. I don't want to ruin what you two have or what we have or what her and I have. God, I love you both too much to hurt anyone. And we are. I AM."

"But Leemo..."

"I can't," Liam interrupts her. "I can't do this without her. And I know you can't either. So we need to fix this. Fuck. It wasn’t until this morning that I really let myself think about how broken things are right now." He runs his fingers through his hair roughly and takes a deep choppy breath. "She's so fucking important to both of us. To me and I can't let her go. Not without a fight. I know I’ve been so selfish, but Nialler … She’s my Zayn. You know? My best friend and god, us without her? I can’t do this."

Slowly so as not to spook him, Niall approaches Liam. She's smiling at him fondly, pleased that Zayn is able to hear him speaking when he doesn't know she's there. It's as honest an admission as she's ever going to get. Niall presses her hand to Liam's chest and doesn't expect the hiss that results. Liam's face is a mask of pain and he takes a step back. 

Niall raises an eyebrow, her grin creeping up across her lips. "Let me see,” she orders.

He looks like he's about to argue so Niall nods encouragingly.

"Leemo."

With a blush, Liam grabs the back of his shirt and pulls it over his head. There is a bandage covering his chest, the skin right over his heart. Niall knows immediately that it's hiding a new tattoo. 

"Can I see?" She asks softly. Her fingers trace the tape around the edges. When he nods, she gingerly removes the tape and the gauze that is covering the freshly inked skin. The sight she's met with takes her breath away.

Niall immediately recognizes the design as something Zayn had drawn for them ages ago. Even before they'd started this relationship between the three of them, she had drawn all three of their names connected in fancy script in the shape of a heart. And Liam had it tattooed on his skin. Permanently. Over his heart. Niall can’t help but lean in and press a kiss as close to it as she can without irritating the already sensitive skin.

It’s then that Zayn steps into the main room with her hand over her mouth and tears in her eyes. There is a moment of utter shock in Liam's eyes as he steps back and looks between Niall and Zayn. 

"Oh Leeyum," Zayn whimpers as she approaches him. She lets him pull her into his arms, into a gentle kiss. "You're so wonderful." Her face is buried in his chest as he tightens his arms around her. She’s sobbing from the overwhelming emotion that is bubbling up within her.

"Did... you hear all of that?"

Zayn nods. She reaches up to wipe the tears from her eyes with trembling hands and offers a wide smile. "I did. I'm sorry, I know it was meant for Niall's ears but..."

"No. God, no. Babe, of course I wanted you to hear it. You need to know how much I love you. What you mean to us."

Zayn looks at Niall who is nodding, a giant grin on her face. She's looking between the two of them and closes her eyes for a moment as she takes a deep breath. "Can I... I want to show you both something."

Niall and Liam both nod. Zayn sighs and lifts her shirt up and twists her body showing off her ribcage. There, in black ink is an exact replica of the tattoo Liam had gotten inked today. Hers isn't as new as his but is newly healed. Niall gasps into the otherwise silent room and Liam gives a soft chuckle.

"I got it about a month ago. Was going to show you both once it healed but ..." Zayn says softly as she motions vaguely towards the three of them and indicating the awkwardness that has settled between them as of late.

"I'm so sorry," Liam repeats.

"We never meant to hurt you Zee. I never wanted you to think we didn't want you around," Niall's crying as she tugs on her hair which is wrapped around her fingers nervously.

"Liam," Zayn says. Once she has his attention she turns to Niall. "Babe. It's okay. We're okay." 

"Now. But..."

Zayn grips Liam's hand in one of hers, Niall's in the other and leads them towards the bedroom. "Come, let’s sit."

There, sitting on the bed all three finally talk. Niall and Zayn fill Liam in on what they’d discussed before he arrived, catching him up on everything. There are promises to be more open with their feelings and not hold it all in. To always be honest and above all, remember that they're equal partners in it. Eventually they're all lying down, curled up with one another with Zayn in the middle. She's secure between the two of them as Liam and Niall take turns kissing her and whispering endearments of love and forever in her ears.

They've been laying there for a few hours when Niall takes a deep breath and interrupts a rambling story Liam is telling them. 

"Uhhh, guys?"

"Mmmm," Zayn murmurs. She's happy, more content than she has been in a very long time. With a turn of her head, she looks at Niall who is grinning widely, her eyes filled with nervous excitement.

"I'm ready."

Liam raises an eyebrow. "For?"

"To do it. To finally do it."

Zayn can't hold in her laughter. She and Liam snicker and poke at Niall teasingly. "Pretty sure it's too late for that you little minx."

Niall rolls her eyes and flips them both off. "I'm ready. I wanna get one too." She nods her head in the direction of Zayn's arms and Liam's chest.

Zayn is so excited she wants to jump up and scream. Instead she giggles and claps as she kicks her legs in the air. She turns her head and sticks her tongue out at the blonde. "Can't get one if you can't say it."

In that moment they watch Liam's eyes widen and his jaw drop. "Holy shit. Are you..."

Niall takes a deep breath and nods. "A tattoo. I want a tattoo."

Both Zayn and Liam cackle at Niall's confession, squealing loudly in the air. Zayn jumps up and starts jumping on the bed in her excitement. "Leeyum, phone Haz and Tommo. If we go without them they'll never let us forget it and make our lives miserable for the rest of our lives. Little Nialler getting her first tattoo. FUCK!!!"

"Wait, what? Now?" Niall laughs as she covers herself from Zayn's assault.

"Of course now," Zayn says as she stops jumping. She's breathing heavily as her hips are still shimmying in excitement. "We need to go before you change your mind." She looks over at Liam who is nodding in agreement.

"Exactly." He picks his phone up from where it's laying on the end table and hits Louis' number on his speed dial. Before Louis can get out any pleasantries, Liam is explaining that he, Zayn and Niall are heading to a tattoo parlour. He lists off where it, knows the address because it was the one he'd been to earlier that day. Once he hangs up the phone he calls the place and lets them know that he is coming back and is bringing the whole group.

"So?" Zayn says as she shimmies into her skinny jeans and slides into her converse sneakers. The tee shirt is over her head and she's pulling her hair into a ponytail when Liam emerges from the bathroom drying his hands on a towel. 

"Let's go. Car knows where to take us. Was there already today. Lou just texted me fifty pictures of what he and Haz want to get done too."

Zayn rolls her eyes and sighs. "Fine. We need to go to my room for a minute."

"Why?" Niall grabs her hoodie with trembling hands. Zayn knows she's nervous, they've all gotten a number of tattoos and while she's been there with them for most of them, she's never gone under the needle herself. 

"Need my sketch book."

"Again, why?" They all head out of Niall's room and down the hall to where Zayn's room is. She rushes in, grabs her notebook and slips back out. 

"Because Nialler. Leeyum got ink today. You're getting ink and Lou and Haz will get some. So now I will to because I don't want to be the only one not celebrating this momentous occasion."

In the elevator Niall pulls Zayn close and buries her face in her throat. Zayn can feel her trembling and she strokes her hand up and down her back comfortingly. 

"Will you hold my hand?" Niall asks softly. Asking as though Zayn would say no. As if she could ever say no to her. 

"Won't let go." Zayn promises. "What are you going to get?"

Niall smirks and lifts Zayn's shirt up and traces her newest piece. The same piece Liam had gotten earlier that day. "This." When Zayn's eyes widen Niall shrinks back. "If ...if that's okay."

"Okay?" Zayn whimpers. She leans in and covers Niall's mouth with her own, kissing her until neither can breathe. "Fuck that is so fucking okay babe. Where?"

Niall gives a half shrug. Zayn nods and grins.

"Exactly," Zayn laughs. She tugs Liam closer as they walk through the lobby to where the car is waiting. "What do you think Leeyum? Right on Niall's shoulder. So if she wears a shirt that goes over her shoulder, it'll peek out."

"Still can't believe she's getting it, if I'm honest." Liam says. Once they're in the car, all three pressed tightly in the backseat first Liam and then Zayn both kiss Niall's shoulder. “But that is going to be really sexy there. Peek of a tat on her shoulder.”

"For us," Zayn says in awe. "Forever."  
“Forever,” Niall agrees.

Zayn feels eyes on her and looks over to where Liam is staring at her, awe and wonder in his eyes. She blushes under his attention and covers her face with her hair. Liam shakes his head and pulls her hair back, tucking it behind her ear.

“Zee.”

“Leeyum,” Zayn whines.

“I love you, babe. Look at me and tell me you know that.”

Zayn shrugs and threads her fingers with Niall’s. “Course I do.” She doesn’t meet his eye and sees Niall frown.

“Zayn Malik.” Liam’s voice is stern, his authoritative voice.

“I know, okay.” Zayn whispers. She’s cried more today than she thought she had left in her. She’s emotionally wrecked and is truthfully looking forward to getting a new tattoo so that the physical pain of the needle and ink can distract her from the pain that is lingering in her chest.

“Please.” It’s how Liam’s voice breaks, how she can feel him trembling against her side that has Zayn turning her head to look at him. When their gazes are locked, she watches him take a deep breath. “Please tell me you know, babe. That you know how important you are and how much I love you.”

“WE love you,” Niall growls.

“We,” Liam amends.

Zayn swallows thickly and closes her eyes for a moment. She opens them and nods, pressing her lips against Liam’s in a gentle kiss. “I know okay. Sometimes you’ll need to tell me. Sometimes you’ll need to show me. I need to see and hear it, but I know.” She’s drawn into a deep kiss, Liam licking into her mouth and pulling her flush against his body. It’s not until Niall starts to whine that Liam releases Zayn.

“My turn,” the blonde whimpers and pulls Zayn in for a similar kiss, thoroughly fucking into her mouth until they feel the car stop and a subtle knock on the window indicating that they’ve arrived at the tattoo parlour. Before they can react, the door on Liam’s side is being ripped open and Louis’ leans into the car.

“Is this a fucking joke?” He asks with wide eyes. “Nialler’s getting a tattoo? Please tell me that you’re fucking serious.”

Niall grins and nods. “Sure am.”

“Best. Day. EVER!” Louis howls, climbing over Liam and Zayn to kiss Niall full on the mouth. “Come on. I can’t wait.” 

The door on Niall’s side opens and Harry reaches in, pulling the blonde out and hoisting her over his shoulder with enthusiasm. “Don’t know what you two did,” he says as he carries her into the tattoo parlour. But I’ll pay for everyone’s piece just because you convinced her to get one.”

Zayn grins at Liam and winks. “Guess I know which one I’m getting.”

“Biggest one?” Liam chuckles. He climbs out of the car and pulls Zayn with him, tucking her close to his body as he leads her into the building.

“Might get two,” Zayn agrees.

Liam nods. “Think I might get another one. Since Hazza’s paying.”

“Tommo was right,” Zayn says as she wraps her arms around Liam’s body once they’re safely hidden in the shop out of the prying eyes of anyone outside. “This is the best day ever.” She looks up before pressing a kiss to Liam’s mouth. “Love you Leeyum.”

The relief on Liam’s face is evident, a smile on his face she’s missed for far too long. “Love you too babe.”


End file.
